Rules of the holiday

For every holiday we have had in the last 10 years there are the following unspoken rules:

1. Stuart will want to start some long forgotten DIY project just days before the holiday. This will not only result in all the packed clothes, but all his good clothes being covered in grease, plaster, grime, dust or all of the above. He will get thoroughly stressed and then tell me he needs a holiday.

2. We will need to buy plug converters. At least two. Then resolve ourselves to leaving them in a safe place in flat in Bp. Forget where the safe place is.

3. We will need to buy mini padlocks for the cases. This is obviously because we are transporting the Star of Arica in our luggage. I will take ownership of the locks, put them in my purse. Get to departure lounge, decide its not a safe enough place and then put them somewhere totally unsafe.

4. Stuart will take out all the clothes I have packed for myself, if we are going to Bp. He tells me I have too much stuff out there already and should wear those clothes. I protest telling him I cannot think what I have out there. We get to Bp, turns out that my stored "rags" are either maternity or breastfeeding clothing. So I either look like I am wearing a marquee or a tent. Then have to wear my grannies clothing, which is petite, so I end up looking like a short, Laura Ashley wallpaper encrusted marquee.

I think the solution is to go to a minimalist nudist camp for our next hoiday. That way, no packing, no mini padlocks.....