Invitation to be my butcher (as in supply the meat, not carve us up!)

Butcher in the village has had his two chances and I am still bewildered about his meat. Its all from Scotland. He assures me that the meat is organic / free range but I am not convinced. For instance, one "organic" chickenbreast, was soo large and fat that it could have given Dolly Parton a run for her money!

I have ordered a duck for Saturday, this will be crunch time. I have also taken a business card and will be googling him to make sure he is not sweeney todd in disguise. Sooooo, the lack of butcher situation is slightly worrying, only to me ofcourse, other family members just expect meat. So, if you are a butcher then please answer the following:

1. Do you stock organic and free range, LOCALLY, sourced meat? If yes, proceed to question 2.

2. Will you be able to prove to me that the meat is local / organic / free range?
Once you have shown me one example, I will believe you and trust you.

3. Do you have the ability rather than asking me what weight I want (which will ALWAYS be in kg and gramms!) I will just normally say: 4 hungry adults (duck!), one large (whole chicken), 4 famished carnivors (fillet steak!). If your answer to 2 and 3 is no, then goodbye, you are the weakest link.

4. Will you be able to take my hungarian cookbook pictures of the meat and translate that into a cut of meat that I want. Mr Archer my previous butcher was a pro at this, he used to relish my visits with the aforementioned cook book.

5. Will you be able to take the fact that for the first few visits I will check the meat in front of you, if I find any clotted blood on the meat, this will be met with death ray stare and be rejected immediately?

6. Will you be able to offer me at least two suggestions of what meats / cuts other than I normally buy, when I am not in a creative mode? Sausages as an alternative are not an option.

7. Will you be able to handle the fact that I will use Mr Archer for our Christmas Turkey, Easter Ham and birthday / anniversary / cheering up steak?

8. Do you like Tesco?

9. Do you have a vacuum packy machine?

10. What are the scores on your doors?

11. Will you give us free samples / ice cream and tasters?

12. Will you be able to make conversation on anything other than non meat related products?

If you think you are upto the challenge, then, please feel free to apply. We will reward you with more custom that you can imagine, especially as we dont leave leftovers. I will always put the leftover pennies change in the charity box and I promise my kids will keep your other customers entertained with exactly what noise the animal used to make before it was destined to grace our plate.